My friend A is the kind of person who explains to me in methodical detail what’s going on in her life. She doesn’t usually ask questions about me. Not because she doesn’t care (I know she does) or can’t listen (she’s an attentive listener) but because she expects others to do the same, which is to talk about oneself without being prompted.

I’m the kind of person who tends to listen until it’s my turn to talk, which is until someone asks. Several weeks ago, my friend A leaned over on (the other side of) my computer screen and asked,

“So. What’s happened between the time you found out [about my spontaneous remission of chronic pancreatitis] and now?”

I thought I’d share with you from my notes :)

1 ability to zip up my jeans
2 going (to pee) less often

3 feeling nothing, no pain
4 eye-rolling gone

5 i was sick
6 fear of relapse
7 i had friends

1 ability to zip up my jeans

I had always used elastic hair ties to secure the front zipper. (This is a great hack by the way. I usually joined two hair ties together to make it longer.)

One morning in mid-May, I could suddenly zip up and button my jeans. I went and tried on all my other jeans. The same thing. What the?

Of course. No pancreatitis, no inflammation, no swollen stomach.

Dr. S, my GP: Wow~~~

2 going (to pee) less often

I thought it was just how my body operated as well as old age that I had to go all the time. Getting up in the middle of the night to pee was part of the routine. Well. According to records, that happened zero times in May and June.

But of course, inflammation. Other organs pressing on the bladder.

Dr. S, my GP: Yeah, that’s exactly why pregnant people have to urinate more often, you know?

3 feeling nothing, no pain

I feel nothing in my stomach when I wake up in the morning. No pain. No discomfort.

Of course. No inflammation.

It feels as if someone, part guest and part me, has left me alone in my apartment forever. Not in a sentimental way. I’m glad and proud that I was always kind and loving toward that someone, who will not be missed but will be remembered with fondness. (Not in a sentimental way!)

4 eye-rolling gone

My eyes would start rolling back if I got too exhausted or hungry. It’s as excruciating as anxiety-inducing. No, it’s different than falling asleep in the classroom.

5 i was sick

You know you have a chronic illness. It’s been a while, you’ve done your work, and you accept it. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you still feel like you made this all up.

(Am I imagining things?)

(Maybe I am exaggerating.)

(It’s not that bad.)

(Can’t I be a little more forbearing?)

(I’m not the only one who’s sick.)

(Other people have it worse.)

(It’s not that bad.)

It’s not just the little voice that judges you.

Other people often make similar but far more damaging comments in your face.

“Maybe you’re imagining things.”

“You’re doing this for attention.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“Can’t you be a little more forbearing?”

“You’re not the only one who’s sick.”

“Other people have it worse than you.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

There were moments when I almost believed them. And other moments I believed them.

Having lived a few months as someone without chronic pancreatitis, I am now 100+% convinced that I was sick. But until I got cured, I wasn’t. Not 100%.

I cried for myself. I believe you. I should have believed you better.

I cried for patients with chronic illnesses. I believe you. They are stupid, not you.

6 fear of relapse

In mid-June, I started to lose appetite. What if I ate the wrong things and got pancreatitis again? (No, one doesn’t “get” autoimmune pancreatitis from food ingested.)

A food-prepping routine, eating lots of fruit, and time with good people helped me regain lost weight and then some. Plus words from my beloved mentor;

Do what you can today.

7 i had friends

There are people I can talk with. Wholeheartedly. It is the best thing about being alive. Thank you, and I love you.

本日のスペシャル

一日一新：OXO(オクソー) ポテト マッシャー ステンレス すごい安定感です。うお！

一日一冊：Allie Esiri「365 Poems for Life: An Uplifting Collection for Every Day of the Year」、Gabor Maté「The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture」