[From my June 21, 2025 newsletter. Here’s the link to the archive: https://ayukokawashima.substack.com/archive.  An English version is placed in the second half of each newsletter. Keep scrolling down.]

“I’m not your average traveler” is a most average thing to say

In the January 13, 2024 newsletter, I said,

I like meeting people online. It’s become a normal part of my life. We get to know each other little by little. The connection may be fleeting or may develop into an acquaintanceship. Over time, some of us become friends. What is more precious than that?

But it wasn’t until last year that I started meeting people on dating apps.

I’ve been asked if I’d had bad (they meant scary) incidents on an app. “Aren’t you afraid of scammers?” So far, my experience has been nothing but positive. Which is not to say that this will always be the case.

This has not always been the case, indeed. What happened?

Well, 2024 happened. Japan experienced record-breaking tourism last year. “36.9 million international visitors came to Japan, up 47.1% year on year.”

Meet a traveler from Australia.

A couple of months back, I matched with this Japanese woman on a dating app for queer women. Her English is honestly incredible, way beyond what you’d normally expect. She’s lovely, really kind.

We were messaging for a couple of weeks, and then she called me out—rightfully so. Thing is, she picked up on what I was doing before I did. I was basically using her for travel tips. I’d been feeding her info about my interests and what I like, kind of hinting that we should stay in touch and maybe catch up next time I’m in Japan. I was painting this picture of the kind of experience I wanted for my next trip, without actually asking much about her at all.

Looking back, I reckon I kept messaging just to stay fresh in her inbox. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was trying to get as much out of her as I could, while putting in the bare minimum. Like I wanted to keep her as a contact, so she could help me have this perfect trip when I’m over there.

Honestly, I feel really ashamed. That’s not who I am. I don’t want to be that person.

Meet a traveler from the US…
Meet a traveler from Germany…
Meet a traveler from Sweden…

Yes, you guessed it right, I am that Japanese woman. To protect their privacy, I human-wrote the passage in the form of a soliloquy of a character. It’s a composite of those whom I met online, a dating app or not. I then had ChatGPT translate it from Ayuko’s English into Australian English.

On the receiving end, it feels gross. Being dehumanized hurts. Desperate for elusive information, some magical local connection that opens doors for them, not-evil humans will do that. What do you think? In case you’re wondering, these extractors did not get the information they wanted from me, whatever it was.

The German traveler delivered a serious, lengthy apology. (Hm.) The United Statesian traveler messaged me that I should give someone like them more grace. (Whyever?) The Australian traveler texted me, “Hope we can still meet up when I’m in Japan?” (No.) The Swedish traveler, silence. Fascinating.

I hear repeat visitors to Japan express their desire to move beyond the “scratch the surface” travel experience and go deeper. That must be frustrating. And I’m not interested in being their shortcut.

The people whose company I cherish don’t seem to care how deep they go. We have a good time together, doing something we like, being safe enough to be ourselves, and being interested in the other person’s stories. We worry a little about what to say to each other because we care. And we worry about taking advantage of the other person.

if you’re not feeling lonely traveling Japan, you’re not doing Japan right

Japan can be a lonely place to be for a traveler. We understand, because it is a lonely place for us, too. If a traveler doesn’t feel lonely in Japan, that traveler is missing out. Loneliness is a quintessential Japanese experience. If a traveler feels zero loneliness in Japan, they are either high on something, seriously unwell, or in denial. Travelers to Japan should be writing home about the loneliness of this place. If they aren’t feeling lonely in Japan, they aren’t getting their money’s worth.

That said, being lonely is hard. One thing a traveler can do is to share the loneliness with others who are also feeling lonely. And you’re in the right place for that. You’re doing Japan right.

Gems are in plain sight, not hidden. Gems are accessible to anyone willing.

today’s special

something new: Stripe payment links
something read: Meredith Fineman’s Brag Better, Tara Schuster’s Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies: And other rituals to fix your life, from someone who’s been there, a little bit of each