[This is my January 13, 2024 newsletter. So it’s been thirteen months. Wow.]

Good morning. Good evening. Good afternoon.

I like meeting people online. It’s become a normal part of my life. We get to know each other little by little. The connection may be fleeting or may develop into an acquaintanceship. Over time, some of us become friends. What is more precious than that?

But it wasn’t until last year that I started meeting people on dating apps.

This morning, a good friend was patiently listening to me go on and on about the wonderful people I met on an app. They read my profile, reached out to me, and swiftly suggested we meet for a coffee, which we did and had great fun. (By the way, this friend and I met on Twitter back in 2011, when Twitter was like a little village.)

Huh? What are you doing on a dating app? You may be wondering. Have you found a date? A BFF?

No, I haven’t. I am meeting people I would like to get to know. I’m enjoying the connection. One of the aforementioned wonderful folks said it beautifully,

“I don’t start with a relationship. I start with connection.”

When I see a person on an app, I don’t start with “Would this person make a good friend?” or “Are we compatible?” or even “What do we have in common?” Instead, I start with this question.

Do I feel safe? (What am I feeling?)

I’m the kind of app user who takes time to write a detailed profile then has good folks find me.

Huh? Isn’t that what you do with your blog and this newsletter? you might think. Yes, you’re absolutely right. Different platforms, same person. Makes sense, no?

I’ve been asked if I’d had bad (they meant scary) incidents on an app. “Aren’t you afraid of scams?” So far, my experience has been nothing but positive. Which is not to say that this will always be the case. And there are reasons for this creep-free experience.

0. I don’t engage with cis men online

I do this by tweaking the settings on apps and manually removing any accounts that fell through the cracks. I meet cis men through friends, acquaintances, neighborhood dogs, work, hobbies. No problem.

1. I mention chronic illnesses in my profile

Wouldn’t scammers rather meet someone in excellent health with a lucrative corporate career than someone eating 0% Greek yogurt in front of her computer at home? Looking at other people’s profiles, I noticed that the ones that hint at financial stability and/or mention job titles also say “No scammers.”

2. I use in-app messenger until I meet the other person

I love the sense of accountability and boundaries it creates. An app is a public space, isn’t it? If someone asks to move the conversation to LINE or WhatsApp, I decline. No one got mad at me for saying “No.” Interestingly, none of the people I ended up meeting face-to-face asked me for my number in the first place.

3. I only engage with people who show up online or in real life

I try to make this point clear in my profile. I only engage with people who show up.

Showing up for each other involves logistics. We confer and agree on time and/or time zones, date, location, platform (Zoom? Meet? Teams?), venue, food/drink choice, and so on. Coordinating all those details with a stranger over text messages? That is hard work. I get to learn far more about a person this way than exchanging good mornings or talking about work/hobbies/ travels.

What is your experience with dating apps? Hit reply and share your thoughts.

What are you doing this weekend?

Mine looks like this: 0. taxes  1. letter/message writing  2. reading “Effortless”  3.  checking on plum blossoms

Enjoy!

Ayuko

today’s special

something new: a farm stand bakery cafe in Zushi
something read: Trauma and Memory by Peter Levine, All the Money in the World by Laura Vanderkam, a little bit of